All Hail the Kaamwali Bais

If you’re wondering which group truly wields the greatest power in Mumbai, here’s a hint: it’s not the builders, it’s not the bhai-log, and it sure as hell isn’t the government. No, the city kneels before a far more fearsome force—the kaamwali bai.

The real don of your building isn’t some gutka-chomping developer; it’s the woman with a mop in one hand, divine fury in the other. Politicians tremble, CEOs cower, and husbands suddenly remember they left the gas on, all in reverence of the Bai Lobby.

With more swagger than a Juhu teenager and more negotiating power than Ambani in a business deal, Mumbai’s bais are the single most influential workforce in the city. Urban legends, gossip columns, and whispered elevator conversations revolve around their mood swings. And make no mistake – getting on their bad side invites nothing less than seven years of bad luck.

If you’ve newly moved to the city, forget school admissions for your kid. He’ll figure out something. Block the calls from the movers and packers. Your stuff will get broken anyway. Put the RTO process for your car on the backburner. You can travel by train for a couple of months. Your single most important mission is to hire a bai. You can’t even spell Mumbai without a bai. No matter how smart your home is, without her, your house will look like it lost a war.

Hiring a bai in Mumbai is a bureaucratic labyrinth more complex than the tasks given to Hercules. If you thought IIMs had a low seat to applicants ratio, wait till you figure out the bai to family ratio in Mumbai. That’s why you don’t hire them – they select you.

The Interview Rounds

Round 1: Technical Screening

Rapid-fire questions with booby traps designed to trip you and put you on the back-foot.

• How many members in your house?
• Do relatives visit? Why so often? Why so many? Why not put them up in hotels?
• Why do you use cutlery, and not your hands like a good Indian?
• Why don’t you get a dishwasher? Your neighbour already has one.
• Light color underwear? Extra charge.

Answer carefully. There is negative marking. And no second chances.

Round 2: The HR Round

This is when she casually whips out her laminated rate card, a spreadsheet that makes remembering your CTC breakdown child’s play.

You’ll tick boxes: dishes, dusting, mopping (wet/dry/symbolic), folding laundry, grumbling theatrically – each priced individually, each non-negotiable.

If you survive these two rounds, then congratulations, you’re halfway there. Then it’s time to talk about the appraisal.

The Annual Appraisal

Every festive season, you’re expected to cough up bonus, calculated using a secret formula known only to the founding members of their association. Forget the Consumer Price Index – this is based on cosmic forces, zodiac charts, and how much you annoyed her in the last quarter.

Also expect yearly increments. How much? Well, roughly twice the inflation, plus surcharge on emotional damage, mood and how much your neighbour paid her.