The Dream-maker for millions

Ah, the world of movies. A glittery wonderland of dreams and delusions. Of rain machines and chiffon sarees. Of glycerine-powered soap operas and bright-red fake blood. If there’s one industry that has single-handedly caused the mass migration of wide-eyed dreamers to Mumbai, it’s the Hindi film industry, popularly known as Bollywood.

Honestly, I don’t really like the term Bollywood. It smacks of a cheap knock-off. Also, Hollywood became a nom de plume for the US film industry because that’s where a majority of the studios were located in the early days.

Mumbai doesn’t even have a suburb named anything close to Bollywood. So I (and many other nationalists) would prefer a culturally more suitable name for the movie factory located here. I think the Dindoshi-Goregaon(East) Chitrapat Sanstha has a nice ring to it. Sure, it doesn’t roll off the tongue, but it adheres to tradition and originality. And it might get the saffron brigade off our backs.

But the name isn’t what brings people here. It’s the dream. The same dream playing on a loop in the minds of every person standing in line outside a studio, or waiting their turn on a reality show set. They all imagine themselves punching goons in slow motion, wooing heroines in mustard fields, and leaping off helicopters while delivering one-liners that rhyme. All of it leading, eventually, hopefully, to a 40-foot poster of them in an action pose somewhere over Juhu Beach.

Make no mistake: the path to Bollywood stardom is paved with crushed egos, bruised wallets, and bad lighting. Some come here hoping to be launched by Karan Johar; most end up auditioning for an ad selling winter thermals. Vanity vans are replaced by sweating it out in a rickshaw to reach a casting call that may or may not exist. And instead of grand red-carpet entries, most newcomers get ghosted by assistant directors who have just chosen someone with connections.

Do You Have It In You?

While getting into Bollywood is not exactly as easy as getting into a WhatsApp family group, there are a few skills that can your foot in the door. After that, it’s your talent, your luck, and at times, the right connections.

Men have it easier. There, I said it. Cancel me if you must, but it’s true. As a man, you don’t need to look like a Greek god—but you do need to look like you have some gym protein in you. Just being fit doesn’t cut it anymore. Six-pack abs are the past. Even Chhottu who brings chai to the set casually pulls up his kurta to reveal a six-pack.

If you want to stand out? Think ten-pack. Maybe twelve, if you’re feeling ambitious. Basically, the more abs you can stack, the higher your chances of getting a few roles – or at least getting through to auditions.

For the women, the list of talents is longer, the hoop’s higher.

First requirement: the ability to cry on command. We’re talking floods. Monsoons. Tsunami-level tears at the drop of a hat.

Glycerin? That’s for amateurs. If you can’t cry like your fictional husband just confessed to killing your fictional twin, producers will look elsewhere.

Second requirement: An immune system worthy of a lab study.

Because somewhere in your journey to stardom, you will be required to stand drenched in artificial rain, wearing a chiffon saree thinner than the plot line, while a 40-member crew adjusts lighting for 3 hours. If you sneeze? You’re out. Bollywood doesn’t have time for the flu. Load up on chyawanprash if you get a casting call.

But the big wildcard? Winning a beauty pageant.

Winning Miss This-or-That basically gives your Bollywood résumé the IIM-IIT level stamp of approval. Once you’ve got that sash and tiara, doors open faster than a villain’s mouth during a monologue. No one really cares that you once thought Tarantino was a villain from a South film or that you think Spielberg is a mountain somewhere in Europe.